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[somepoorsoul]

Athos awakens in a weary haze of memories. Though the clock tells him it is mid-morning, he feels simultaneously like he has slept for days and not at all. A few moments pass before he realizes why he cannot shake the sights as senses of his childhood - the smell of forget-me-nots, Catherine’s bright red hair (he has not even thought of her for ages), Thomas’ boyish laughter. Then he remembers, and he exhaustedly presses the heels of his hands into his eyes.

He is tempted to remain abed until someone comes looking, but that would only delay his shame, and anyway, Athos is too honorable. He dresses slowly in garments that once again seem familiar as he tries to piece together the last few days, memories coming to him as though being relayed by someone else. Sheepishly, he misses the body and heart of his youth; he had been frightened and shy, world-weary too soon, but free and unfettered in a way he has not felt in some time.

Unfettered, perhaps, but also a fool. He has matters to explain, and hearts to mend.

When Athos carefully comes downstairs, his eyes are red-rimmed, and though he has tried to put himself back together, he knows he must still appear out-of-sorts. He can already smell coffee, thank goodness. But whether or not Aramis and Porthos will welcome his company is something he has yet to discover.

Comments

[du_vallon]

"It's mostly land right now," Porthos admits. "The house is in no shape to be lived in, it'll have to be torn down and rebuilt in the image we like." He watches Athos carefully, so desperate for him not to run out, not to leave them, but he knows they have to be honest. "You'll have to help by telling us what you wish of a house. I only care about the bed and the kitchen."

For all that Porthos wears a poor poker face, sometimes Athos is just as bad. Porthos rearranges himself so that he's tucked under one of Athos' arms, settling in and curling in possessively close.

[afineseamstress]

Aramis curls himself against Athos' other side, not plucking the arm from his eyes, but kissing it. "If you do not like the swathe of land, there are others," he promises. "But I have seen you riding in those fields that surround it as clear as day, and I know you will see it, too, when you come with us."

More quietly, Aramis adds, "I think we could make you happy there. Happy like you ought to have been with her."

[somepoorsoul]

The memory of Anne strikes him particularly harshly, not through any fault of Aramis’, but because memories that were absent only yesterday seem fresher now. He had been happy, that was the trouble. He had found happiness and had it snatched from him. Athos fears finding and losing happiness all over, but he also fears never finding it, not the way Aramis and Porthos wish him to, and disappointing them once again.

Still, their warm presence so close at hand soothes his beating heart. Athos is enclosed and protected by them here, in this moment, whatever is to come. He knows the house is only a prelude to the rest - that is what frightens him, not the thought of leaving this putrid city for the countryside - but for now can only imagine one wild step at a time. “Promise me you will not sign anything until I see this bit of land, then,” he quips. “I won’t have you purchasing some impractical rocky slope because you like the romance of it."

[du_vallon]

"We've an appointment with the estate agent to see the land again in a week's time," Porthos says, drawing idle patterns now on Athos' chest as he smiles fondly. "And there's no rocky slopes. Only endless fields to ride in, maybe some room to plant vines in the event you want to grow your own wine," he says. "Some place we can make our own." And that means the other thing needs to be discussed.

"We do have an appointment in three days time at the agency," he says quietly. "For Aramis to give his donation."

[afineseamstress]

"The land is not unlike that surrounding Buttercup's farm," Aramis agrees, but sobers for the rest of what Porthos says. "The process can take time," he says, heart fluttering restlessly. "A lot of time, if one is unlucky. We must begin right away."

He lies down himself, though he stays close to Athos, hidden though his eyes might be. "I suppose the process could be considered crude, but it is the only way for us."

[somepoorsoul]

“This is precisely what I mean by romance,” Athos sighs when Aramis invokes that film, of all things. But all of a sudden, it is as though the men are talking in code - agency, donation, process - and it is only knowing their hearts as well as he does that he can begin to guess what they might be talking about. “Ghastly, I would say,” he deadpans, for he knows it is better to joke about their process than to beg them to hold off just a little longer, to give his heart some more time to catch up.

[du_vallon]

"We want one of blood before looking to orphans," is Porthos' mind on the matter, given that he would be more than happy to take in a lost child, but he knows that having a baby with their colouring and Aramis' blood is important to the man. "And it's not a romantic notion of the land, I promise," he says, as sensibly as he can.

"Athos, talk to us," he pleads. "Tell us what you feel."

[afineseamstress]

"It is somewhat romantic," Aramis insists on Athos' other side. "Of all the places we looked, we could best see the three of us there. What is more romantic than that?"

But he quiets, or tries to, to give Athos a moment's speech. "Now that you are our Athos again, we want you with us, in all things. Please tell us what you think."

[somepoorsoul]

Athos shakes his head a little, the rejection automatic, though after a moment he passes his hand over his eyes and lowers his arm to his side, piercing gaze coming to rest on the ceiling. Aramis and Porthos will not now take no for an answer, not as they once might have, but the words he must say take effort. “It is my dearest wish that both of you be happy, and your inheritance must be used to that end, Porthos.” He captures Porthos’ hand and squeezes tightly as he takes a breath. “I only did not expect all your plans at once. It is…unmooring.” He swallows hard, and hates the way he stumbles through his next words. “I thought…I expected you might at least consult me before you went searching for this land.” Athos does not even dare bring up children; they know of his ambivalence there, that it grows deeper the more real they become, and he will not bring the hurt on their faces by expressing it once again.

[du_vallon]

Porthos eases back, giving Athos a curious look. "I hadn't thought you were interested in that side of things," he says, and means it honestly. "But I should have," is what he says next, instantly. "We would never purchase anything without showing you. We'll take you out there several times so you can get a feel for it. Besides, I'll want your name on the lease when we sign."

"It has to be one third yours, after all," he points out, a blissful smile on his face.

[afineseamstress]

Porthos is right. Athos is so reticent, even to those who know how to read him. So often he is content to be swept along in the tide of his and Porthos' eager planning, Aramis had not thought him to have strong feelings on the home at all. But Porthos is right about that, too - they ought to have asked.

Aramis frowns and extricates himself from the bed, deciding that a drink - water or otherwise - will do them all good. He journeys to the kitchen and stacks three cups, returning with them, a pitcher of water, and a bottle of wine tucked beneath his arm. "We can even start again," he says as he sits atop the sheets, working the cork with his teeth. "A child will not come swiftly. There is time to occupy with the home."

[somepoorsoul]

“You never asked.” They look so hopeful, so full of warmth, and Athos cannot help a faint smile, despite the ache that remains in his chest. This is why he tries not to interfere, why he has offered only the smallest and briefest comments on the matter of children, and the house, and all their other dreams - they look so happy when they speak of it, and he dare not risk uttering the wrong word that might break their hearts. But if he merely follows after them, will he ever feel as though he truly belongs?

“You have such plans," he adds, trying to stay light, "It is difficult to get a thought in edgewise, you know."

[du_vallon]

Porthos gives Athos a wary look now as he eases back so he can look him in the eye, sitting up so he can reach for a glass of water. "I've been trying to get you to open up and talk to me about everything since we began this," he feels inclined to point out. "And you usually shy away. Or do you think it's only your fantasies I want to hear about, because it's not. I want to know everything, Athos, all you have to tell us."

[afineseamstress]

"We do not want you to simply endure our plans," agrees Aramis. "I know we are filled with enthusiasm, but when have we ever not been brought up short by a single word from you?" Freeing the cork, Aramis drinks straight from the bottle, offering it to Athos after.

"You will tell us your thoughts, we will ask for them, and between our efforts, nothing will be lost to assumption again, hmm? To that end - " Aramis pours a water next, handing it to Porthos. "Do you want to be father to our children?"

[somepoorsoul]

“I have never had so much to lose with a single word.” Athos sounds rueful, feeling foolish now at what, for him, seems like a needless outburst. He has spent years perfectly a steadiness of mind that hides a more tumultuous core, and after weeks stripped of that maturity, he still struggles to reclaim it. Nothing feels quite right in his heart, but he knows he owes it to Aramis and Porthos to answer them honestly. Even if he is still not certain they truly want to hear it.

He pushes himself to sitting and takes the bottle, gaze flickering away from both men as he takes a drink. “That would be impossible,” he deadpans. Even setting aside literal fatherhood, Athos still cannot understand what a third father would be to a child. “But no,” he adds more seriously, "I do not wish to be a father to anyone.” He does not expect the sudden twist in his gut when he speaks the words aloud in such plain honesty - not because he has second thoughts, but because doing so reminds him of all he has lost.

[du_vallon]

"You won't lose us," Porthos says, because that's the honest truth of it. He doesn't think there's anything that either Aramis or Athos could do to make him lose his love and loyalty to them, no matter how awful or terrible. Athos' youth is half proof of that -- because despite bruised emotions, pride, and heart, he still wants Athos completely and without question.

He sips his water and reaches over to rub circles against Athos' back as he speaks, a gentle touch. "Then any child we have will simply know they're just as loved by their Uncle Athos," he says fondly.

[afineseamstress]

Aramis nods down at his hands, as much to dispel the awful buzzing in his head as to agree with Porthos' words. That is the truth he has asked for - it is not Athos' fault that it hurts, but Aramis still struggles around the lump in is throat. He meant what he told Porthos some days ago - it's not only for his own benefit that he wants Athos to be part of their family, or even for his future children's. Aramis believes it could make Athos happy, if only he could be open to it, but perhaps he will not. Somehow, Aramis will have to find peace with it, and to believe that Athos can feel whole in a situation that Aramis could not.

"Will you be that?" he asks. "Their uncle? Will you love them because they are ours?"

[somepoorsoul]

“Of course,” Athos answers without hesitation or pause, for in this he is certain. “I would treat them like anything you love, and protect them with my life.”

He takes another drink to steady himself for what he must say next, as much as he fears their response. Athos has tried to hint more than once that it might be better to delay this matter, and has only been met with pain. What will they think when they realize that he is terrified of watching them leap into fatherhood, even without him? “But if I am to be by your side," he begins slowly, "a child will change my life as well."

[du_vallon]

"We know," Porthos agrees, as cautious as he can be given the dangerous territory they're about to wander into. He stares down at the glass and then shrugs, peering back up at Athos. "As much as it will change ours," he says. "It's no small thing, to have a child. And Aramis knows very well how frightened I am, how terrified the thought makes me," he confesses. Even now, amidst his excitement, he's terrified.

[afineseamstress]

"And I am not," says Aramis, knowing that his surety might not be a balm. "I'm not afraid. I want it, well to the point of desperation. But I believe in Porthos, and I believe in you, Athos. If you love them, all will unravel itself as it should."

He sucks in an unsteady breath. "I know it will change your life. I hope that it will, because it will mean you are with us. I suppose that is selfish." Aramis shakes his head. "It does not stop me wanting it."

[somepoorsoul]

"That is not how love works, Aramis," Athos says in a voice full of fondness. As is so often the case, he admires Aramis' surety, which brightens the man's face like the sun. But Athos cannot pretend that all things are possible with love - love of God or love of fellow man.

It is appropriate, somehow, that Athos sits so literally exposed, as well as figuratively. "Fear has never stopped you from going after what you want, Porthos. But I am a coward. And selfish." His gaze flickers to Aramis, and his voice drops low. "I want you to myself a little longer."

[du_vallon]

"It's not as if there'll be a baby tomorrow, Athos," Porthos laughs fondly, giving the man an adoring look. "There's paperwork and appointments and meetings with lawyers and surrogates. And then there's deals and contracts. And then there's nine months," he says.

"You've got plenty of time with just us," he promises.

[afineseamstress]

"A year, at least," says Aramis, and he does not even have to try to sound as if he offers a long time, for a year feels like an age, one he may very well be mad by the end of with wanting.

"We will fill your time between now and then," he says, scooting closer to Athos, "And after. You will grow tired of us wanting you all the time, I know it." Aramis laughs, looking to Porthos. "We already speak of wearing you out."

[somepoorsoul]

“A year,” Athos says, half to himself, for if it seems a lifetime to Aramis, it seems like no time at all to him. He flushes faintly and nearly smiles, but his heart isn’t in it. He wonders if they realize how much their future child already occupies their conversation, their very being. “From the moment this child is conceived, you will be lost to me,” he tells them with a rueful note in his voice.

[du_vallon]

"How's that?" Porthos wonders, genuinely. "We won't be able to see the mother who's carrying the babe more than a few times, as ruled by the lawyers," he says, his brow furrowed. "Aramis might have a board," he jokes, "but that's still our time with you until the very end. I promise, at least on my behalf."